"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."


Tickling my heart and other ouches for today...

Ok, so today I went in to change out my huge catheter for a smaller one. Let me try to give you a visual of what is in me. The picc line in my arm was a 5f, then the catheter that went in my collarbone area was an 11F and now they replaced that with a 7f catheter. Don't ask me what the f stands for, I'm just trying to compare the size difference of the three catheters. The picc line was for the salvage chemo I did recently and the 11f was for the collection of the stem cells (they had to have a big catheter to allow enough blood to be collected at once). Now that collection is over, I get a smaller one for the remainder of my treatment.

The picc line insertion was a breeze, I didn't feel a thing and they only used a local anesthesia. The collarbone cvc was a lot more uncomfortable, to say the least. Apparently they had to dig a tunnel (their terminology) and go through my muscle to do it. Luckily, I not only had a local but also an anti-anxiety shot to help calm me down. Well, this time around there was only a local and I wished I had the anti-anxiety drug. You know you're in for it when the tech says "Let me know if I tickle your heart." Tickle my heart?!?! WTF does that mean and why are you doing it??? My catheter is on my right side, so I asked him (just to be sure) why he was so close to my heart which is located on my left side. Well, he said my heart is actually closer in the middle of my chest. We need to inform all the millions of little kids out there - YOU'RE PUTTING YOUR HAND IN THE WRONG SPOT WHEN YOU SAY THE PLEDGE!! lol. At first I didn't feel anything different and thought I would skip the heart tickle. No such luck. As soon as it happened I knew what he meant by tickling my heart. It felt like my heart was fluttering and skipping beats. It was really weird but thankfully only lasted a second, although it made me lightheaded. As soon as he finished and pulled out the ginormous catheter I felt this warm woosh of liquid run down my shoulder. I knew immediately what that was. After having four kids naturally, any woman knows what that is. Warm blood rushing out. bleh. So now I've got this size 11f hole and he's putting a size 7f catheter in it. No wonder he kept pressing on it when he was done. The hole will close up around the smaller line, now I just have to make sure it doesn't bleed too much until then. And they said this wasn't going to hurt. Liars!

I also got a call from the coordinator. I will be having to redo the bone marrow (boo!) and echo on Monday. I will then see my doctor Tuesday as well as be admitted. I'll probably start chemo Wednesday, she likes to wait until the next day. At least that's how it was last time. I'm shooting to get out November 15th or anytime sooner. And then around December 15th I can take this catheter out and feel normal again!

But for right now, we'll take it day by day.


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