Better late than never...

In all the excitement of taking Olivia and Seth to school on their first day, I forgot to take pictures! (chemo brain at work, see?!?) It's a little late, but here they are my first and second graders. And I must say I did not cry until I was leaving....that's pretty good for me!

Olivia (a proud 2nd Grader) and Seth (excited to be in 1st Grade!)


Goofing around with their Webkinz (these things are apparently all the rage!)



Valerie sneeking in the picture!


Love,
B

Life as usual...

What I love about life is that it doesn't care what you are going through, the sun still rises and sets, clouds move in, it rains, then the sun shines through again and life goes on. So this is my life goes on post regarding my two sons.

I'm proud to say I have a Tiger Cub and a cubbie-to-be! Seth recently joined the Boy Scouts as a Tiger Cub and Nicholas went to his first meeting with Seth and sat intently, listening and nodding in agreement. He was so excited that he wants to join now as well. I haven't broken the bad news to him, that he has to wait until 1st grade. Poor kid! :) So, while we were out getting Seth's uniform we came across an adorable Little Scout Buddy shirt. That way I'll have a Tiger Cub and Little Scout Buddy as well. :) Here are some pics of the both of them. By the way, Seth has not taken off his uniform all weekend. He would sleep in it if he could. And he read his manual so much that the binding has already come undone and it's being held together by clear duct tape. I think the Boy Scouts is going to be a good fit for Seth. Our household is filling up quickly with boy and girl scouts. I am one proud momma. :)

Seth, the proud Tiger Cub!


Nicholas, the cubbie-to-be!


Love,
B

Me = 2 Cancer = Big Fat 0

Ok, so I went and had my PET/CT scan done early this morning at MDACC. I was pretty calm and relaxed considering this test would show any cancer activity. Normally, results don't get back to the doctor until the next day. So when I went in to see my doctor to discuss rescheduling the mobilization chemo since my insurance had not yet approved the procedure, I was completely shocked and surprised when the first thing out of her mouth was that I was in REMISSION!! It didn't sink in at first, so I asked her to repeat that. Of course, I started bawling and hugging her. I was hoping for remission and felt good, but I was not thinking she would have the results so soon. WOOHOO!!! I thanked God, I thanked my doctor, I thanked all my friends and family across the country praying for me. Thank you.

So, back to the sct process. My insurance case manager said I should have an approval either late this afternoon or definitely Monday. Now, we're looking at admission to the hospital either Tuesday or Wednesday. And for some more good news, I will only be getting 3 days of chemo and not 5. What a relief! Could this day get any better??? My onc said if there are any cancer cells lingering around that did not show up on the PET, these next two rounds of chemo will get rid of it. Not only did I get the awesome news that the cancer is gone, but I also get to spend the next few days feeling good and relaxing before the next part of this process begins.

There are two other young gentlemen who are going through the same exact treatment and we're scheduled to have the sct around the same time. It'll be nice to know I won't be alone on the sct floor during my 3 week stay. :)

I have been so appreciative and grateful for all the angels around me. I normally don't play the 'cancer card', but after reading Crazy, Sexy Cancer Tips that my dear friend Melinda sent there was a whole section on this, and some people have asked how they could reach me at the hospital. So, if you feel like sending me something to rally me on, I will gladly accept it. I mean, if I can't ask for gifts when I have cancer then when can I?!? :) So, while I'm in the hospital for the 3 week stay I will gladly be accepting gifts, cards and/or balloons of all kinds - Happy Birthday, Get Well, Congrats, Just Because...LOL!! But please don't feel obligated, I promise to still love you with or without the gifts....pinky promise!

Here is how you can reach me:

Brandy H. Vargas
The University of Texas M. D. Anderson Cancer Center
1515 Holcombe Blvd
Houston, TX 77030
1-800-392-1611 / 1-713-792-6161

But, first things first. I need to collect these stem cells and that will get done over the next few weeks. So, off to celebrate with my family the wonderful news we got today. Keep those prayers coming, they are so working!!!!

With Much, Much Love,
B

On again, off again....

Well, as of Tuesday the insurance had not approved it. They had required I meet with the social worker as a condition upon approval. The sct nurse said they just want to make sure I'm not crazy - I guess they don't want to pay for looney people or they want to make sure they get their money's worth??? Gosh, if they only knew the real me....haha!! j/k

Friday is still up in the air. If I am not approved, I will not be admitted and if I am approved then I will be. Nothing like waiting until the last minute. I did go to the dentist today and everything is good to go! Did I ever mention my phobia of the dentist? That's a whole other blog.

Tomorrow I have absolutely nothing planned or scheduled! YAY! It's been such a busy week of running around, hospital visits, scans, dentist appt.,etc...I finally have a day off to relax and get ready for Friday's long day at the hospital. The day begins with a PET scan, meet with sct doctor and then meet with my lymphoma doctor before possibly getting admitted. Think NED, think NED, think NED (no evidence of disease). Or at least shrinkage of the tumor. They will still do the sct even if I am not in full remission, but I would like to be in full remission. Just the over-achiever in me coming out. :)

Love,
B

Chemo Brain is 4 REAL!!

It's a known fact that people who receive chemo treatments tend to get a little fuzzy in the brain area. That's been a real struggle for me. I have always had an excellent memory but lately my brain and the rest of my body are just not in sync. If you ever scratch your head after reading something on this blog and wonder "What the hell did she just say?!?", it's really not me being stupid but rather it's CHEMO BRAIN! It's even worse in person. I am so glad I am not working and having to interact with people on a daily basis. Most times I'll be talking like a normal person, but then words sneak out that make absolutely no sense whatsoever and I don't catch myself until after they've come out. Sometimes words don't even get a chance to come out at all, but rather my tongue gets stuck to the roof of my gum and all I can muster is blah-blah-blah because I can't seem to put the words together to make a coherent sentence! Prime example of chemo brain at it's best - I am trying really hard to remember something I said today and then had to laugh off due to chemo brain but I can't even give you an example...it's that bad. I think I'll start a chemo brain moment list, it should be real fun to read after treatment is over.

Thankfully, chemo brain is only temporary. So, what's your excuse??? :P

From 0-60 in a matter of seconds...

Ok, so as of Friday my timeline was something like this - 3 weeks until my restaging tests (CT/PET/Bone Marrow) and then start the SCT process. We were still waiting on my insurance to approve and it could take this long. So, I was preparing myself for a late Sept. start. I was ok with that. I was actually looking forward to a little break, having a few weeks of feeling good rather than one. I was starting to plan a surprise birthday party for Gabriel, do some shopping, etc...Although it was moving slower than I had anticipated, I was starting to look forward to the down time.

Someone turned on warp speed and I'm still trying to catch my breath. I got my schedule in the hospital and it turns out my insurance must have approved the sct procedure because all of a sudden I am booked through September. I have a complete lung function test this Friday, my CT scans next Tuesday and then my PET scan next Friday, the 14th. I am also scheduled to be admitted that day. Admitted for what, I don't know but I am assuming it will be part 1 of the sct process - mobilization of my stem cells. So, that's 5 days of chemo and then coming back to collect my stem cells. Wow, I was hoping it would be this soon but I was getting used to having a break from chemo. Now, I am just trying to figure out what to do first and if I am really, really ready to do this. It's kind of like giving birth I guess, whether or not you're ready it's going to happen. I also hate the fact I will be admitted the day before Gabriel's birthday. I feel so bad! Since we've been married something always happens near his birthday and it's always been an inside joke between us, like what's going to happen this year?? Gosh, at this rate I think we're going to skip his birthday for a while. I just wanted to make him something special and now I'll be in the hospital and he'll be alone with 4 kids. Happy Birthday, Baby.

--B

Treatment # 3 - CHECK!

Ok, so my doctor's office called and asked if I could come in an hour earlier...something about labor day weekend, doctor's plans, I don't know....lol. So, my sister and I head off to the hospital for my final round of salvage chemo.


Here is one of the lovely lymphoma dept. nurses, Clover, who has been my angel this entire time.


One of the many puzzles located throughout the waiting room, this one was fairly simple and yet my sister had the urge to pull apart every little piece. :)

After getting the go ahead for round # 3 (my blood count was good!), receiving my admission papers and since the usual wait for admission to MDACC is hours long, we met my dad at Mo Mong's, a local restaurant for some yummy spring rolls, pot stickers and rice!

Since I was with my crazy sister and we still had a few hours to spare, we hit the roads of Houston and acted like whacky tourists!

Here we are in front of this fountain that I must have driven by millions of times since living in Houston!

Ok, if I wasn't a cone head before....

We unknowingly parked right next to this park. I had no idea this was here, all the time I've lived here, so I took it as a very good sign.

So, my sister had never been to the Houston Zoo, well she wasn't missing anything but it was a chance to check something off her life list....

Ok, it seems the only thing these animals were doing were sleeping, pissing or crapping....

Isn't there a joke about this??? Bear making #2!

Mighty Tiger making, a very long might I say, #1

Look, we found Nemo! (I know corny, just humor me!)

It was time for our carousel ride. Here we are before mounting my mighty meerkat and Adrienne getting on her tiny tiger. :)

After a few hours, we were hot and thirsty. To our surprise, none of the vending places were open. On our way out we stopped by the gift shop to get some water. Our luck, it was buy 1 get 2 free from the vending maching day. Shhh..just don't let the gift shop know - haha!

Well, the fun had to end sometime. It was time to check in.

Here we are waiting for my bags. Funny, whenever nurses came in Adrienne leapt out of bed.

Me pretending to know what to do at a piano table. My sister suggested dancing on it....lol!

Me and mom walking around with poley

All in all, treatment # 3 was pretty uneventful. You know you're not doing so bad when all your doctor can say is "Ok, we'll just be babysitting you." I didn't get as bad headaches either as last time. And I even got some new pain meds for this. Oh well! :) I'm just glad this part is over.

--B

On the eve of treatment #3...

And I haven't even packed for the hospital yet...can you tell I am procrastinating? I don't have to be there until noon tomorrow, so it's not that big of a deal. I can't believe treatment #3 is finally here, I didn't think it would take a month but that is just me being impatient. I am looking forward to my CT/PET and bone marrow tests to confirm remission.

So, off to gather my clothes (I absolutely will not be seen in that horrid gown!), slippers, soaps, lotions, books, music and must have hard candy for my lovely stay at MDACC. As always for any trip I tend to overpack but hey, you just never know when you will need what....right?? ;-P

See y'all on the other side next week!

--B

The Fuzz is gone...

Last night I would notice tons of tiny hairs where my head had just been. I knew the rest of my hair was coming out, I just didn't know it would be such a long and painful process. The top of my head felt like porcupine hair. Gone was the soft baby hair and in it's place was dry, dead, brittle hair that left my scalp super sensitive and irritated. Because I had some kind of breakout on my head, I was unable to shave it clean. But I couldn't take another night of waking up covered in hairs and having my hairs all over the pillows or sofa. Gabriel came up with the idea to rub out the dead hair with a wet washcloth and it worked. It wasn't too painful and before you knew it I was looking like Mr. Clean's long lost wife! :) I was pretty freaked out at first. I kept having these images of Dan Akroid in Cone Heads, although my head isn't cone shaped it's white as can be, kind of like a farmer's tan only on my head. I need to look up how to take care of it, do I still need to wash it, moisturize it, sunscreen, etc...I didn't think having a bald head would be such high maintenance. lol.

I miss my hair. period. Cancer Sucks!

--B

Finally coming out of the fog...

Wow, so this last treatment really did a number on me. I think the first time around I was preoccupied with my collapsed lung, and now that it was all better there was only the chemo to think about. I did alright in the hospital. We started late Monday night, after waiting a few hours just to get a room. Seemed they were booked that night. Got my room and finally got started at 9pm! Ugh, nothing like being up all night hooked up to chemo. Saturday night was interesting. I got my bags as usual and when I went to stand up I couldn't breathe. I had to struggle to ask the nurse what she gave me. Luckily, she stopped the IV and within a matter of minutes I was back to breathing normal again. Apparently, this can happen with the Etoposide chemo I was given. I wish someone would have told me. After that, I made sure to tell the nurse Sunday night to start me off at half the dose because I didn't want a repeat performance. Monday night comes around and I finally get my Velcade at 10pm! So, add on 2 hours to wait and see for any reactions and I am looking at getting discharged at around midnight. Well, I was ready to go home and sleep in my own bed, even if it meant leaving the hospital in the middle of the night. The nurse talked me into staying, after all the room was already paid for. I did make sure all connections were taken off, I was not hooked up and would not not be poked or prodded during the middle of the night. If they promised to leave me alone, I would stay. So, I get to sleep and of course I have to tell a few shift nurses throughout the night "No Vitals!". My sister said I sounded like our mean, old grandmother but I was tired and I earned the right to be left alone, right??? :) It worked out in the end. I was able to get my Neulasta shot that morning rather than going home to come right back to the hospital to get it and we got breakfast out of it. The food isn't that bad.

I was just really tired up until yesterday. I would sleep, wake up and eat or drink and then go back to sleep. Thankfully, my mother-in-law stayed with us all week and she helped out tremendously! The worst day for me was Wednesday, I woke up feeling groggy and had the worst headache....sort of like a really, really, really nasty hangover, now who can't relate to that? ;-P After that, I felt better and more energized with every hour. I had my CBC today and the nurse practioner gave me an A+! I get to even take Olivia and Seth to school on Monday for their first day!! So, everything on that side is going great. Then, I met with the sct department today to get the ball rolling on their end. Ugh, what an overwhelming and scary appt. that was. First, I didn't realize I would need a caretaker to be with me 24/7 for 30 days after the sct. Then, in my sweet blissfully ignorant state I didn't realize I would be getting more chemo. Arrgghh!!! I thought I was so close to be doing with that poison. Nope. The sct is done is two parts. The first part is harvesting your cells, then the second part is the actual transplant of your cells.

Part 1 - Inpatient chemo for 5 days, inject self with shots, go back every day for a week to MDACC to harvest cells and freeze them.

Part 2 - Inpatient high dosage chemo for 5 days, thaw my cells and give them back to me. Stay in the hospital another 2 weeks to recover and then go home.

But, before I can start this process my insurance has to ok it. Seems they have a separate contract with the hospital just for sct's. I got an estimate of charges....OMG....over $200K for the sct process. If I haven't said it before, let me say it again...I LOVE MY COMPANY AND I LOVE MY INSURANCE!! MDACC said United is one of the best ones they deal with, as they tend to pay for the entire process and don't tie up their time over red-tape stuff. My sister will also be getting typed, as will my kids - I think. Even though I'm doing an Auto (my own stem cells), they want to see if my sister or my kids match me 100% should I need it in the future. This testing of my sister and kids is another thing my insurance will cover that some others don't. I LOVE MY INSURANCE!! Can't forget about the dentist either - seems like everyone has to have their hand in the cookie jar, eh? I must get clearance from my dentist before I can proceed, so off to see him and fix some stuff so that I can save my life! :)

So, next weekend is my final treatment of VICE. After that, I should be in remission and I will be having all those wonderful tests done...CT, PET and Bone Marrow (boo!). I'm looking at starting the sct process maybe in a few weeks? I don't really know for sure, yet. I am trying to gather all the people I know who want to help out and be part of my caretaker team aka Team Brandy. Watch out, I may come knocking on your door! :)

As a person who hates asking for help, I have to say I have been sent angels this past week. Between the moms at school, who upon immediately finding out my situation took action and gathered other moms to help, to my dear co-workers and vendors who have been providing dinners for us this week, to the wonderful vendors and customers who have sent me the best cards and balloons to cheer me on - I can't begin to thank you enough. The dinners have been a hit, each and every one. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! It's been such a blessing to know that for a week we don't have to worry about having the energy, time, or ingredients, etc.. to make dinner. You are all angels and I thank God for blessing me with such beautiful friends and family.

Love,
B

Tomorrow is the day - Treatment #2

For some reason, this week just flew by! Gabriel and I will be at the hospital all day tomorrow, beginning in the morning. I have a chest x-ray that I rescheduled from today due to the crazy weather. (I was not about to drive to the med center for a 5 minute chest x-ray!) Then I have blood work, see the doctor at 1pm and then get admitted and hooked up to my margaritas!! :) I'm hoping it goes as smooth as the last one did. I don't know if I will have access to a computer, so in case I don't I will be back some time next week.

Love,
B

Books...now that I have some time...

I have been able to catch up on some reading. I mentioned I just finished Lance Armstrong's It's Not About The Bike, as well as a couple of Nicholas Sparks' novels (I love making myself cry!). I created a list of books I wanted to read this summer back in June. I've read so far J.D. Salinger's Franny and Zoey, Sue Miller's The Good Mother and While I Was Gone, Bill Cosby's The Meanest Thing To Say (great book for Olivia and Seth), and Gabriel García Márquez's 100 Years of Solitude. I still have on my list the following:

Jane Austen - Sense and Sensability and Persuasion
Charlotte Bronte - Jane Eyre
Paul Bowles - The Sheltering Sky
Mitch Albom - The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Of course, I also have tons of books on cancer, diet, immune system, etc...but I am in need of some more books to read as I go into my sct in a month or so. I'll be looking at a nice 3 week stay in the hospital and I would like to take some books with me. Anyone have any good recommendations? I like all sorts of books, just list away!! :)

--B

Hair, hair, go away...please come again some other day!

Ok, so my hair is now officially falling out. Or what is left of it, I should say. A simple pass of the scalp and my palm has these tiny pieces of hair on it. Don't ask about my pillows. As much as I tried to prepare myself for this, I am still sad to see it go. I was surprised and a little glad when it began to grow back. I foolishly thought maybe I wouldn't lose my hair. Even though they are just half inch pieces of what's left of my hair, it's still depressing to see it come out. I was getting used to my peach fuzz. I don't know if I'm ready for complete baldness. It's just a reminder that even though I feel pretty good today, there are chemicals ravaging my body.

Another sign that I am weaker, I'm bruising easier than I ever have been before. A sign that my plateletts are low. I have to really be careful, as I tend to bump into things without thinking. I don't want to have bruises all over me!

3 days to go until treatment #2. I am just so ready to get it over with. I battle daily with keeping up my spirits. It's so easy to just let this take over you, but I refuse to do that. I catch myself starting to ask why me and almost immediately I have to stop myself. I don't want to be that person, go down that road. Most days are easy, but it's days like these when my hair is falling out that it gets hard. I know this has to happen before I can get better, but it still hurts me spiritually. I can't imagine how I'm going to react when I lose my eyebrows and eyelashes. It's not about the hair, but rather the fact that it's a sign of my sickness and lack of control I have over this.

--B

Spontaneity...

My Aunt Annette called and said she was near Katy on a business trip. Since she was so close to us (she lives in San Antonio), I told her me and the kids would meet up with her to have a late lunch. We don't get to talk much, so it was really good seeing her.

Here we are at The BlackEyed Pea:


--B

My second family...

I got a delivery today, an unexpected one.

My former employer and colleagues at Brookfield Properties sent this beautiful handmade card to my house. What a nice surprise! I have been blessed to work in an industry that is small enough where everyone knows everyone. I have also been blessed to work for two amazing companies with so much heart. Thank you to everyone at Brookfield and at Crescent, as well as the vendors who have reached out to wish me well. I had planned on getting a big cork board to post all the cards everyone at Crescent has sent me and take a picture of that. Once I do, I promise to post it. I read them all at least once a day, they make me smile and make me realize how lucky I am. Seth said it best. "Mommy, a lot of people sure do care about you." He's absolutely right. Thank you all.

Love,
B

CBC blood work today...

And my counts are as normal as they can be!! They all came up within the normal range and I feel good. The nurse practioner was really impressed with how the treatment was going. I keep waiting for the rug to be pulled out beneath me, but so far so good. She said treatment number 2 should be the same as the first one, although my hair will be starting to fall out...so no barber visit just yet. :)

I just finished reading Lance Armstrong's It's Not About The Bike, (thanks Deb for the book!) and I am not only in awe at what he overcame, but I am truly inspired. I felt myself nod in agreement towards his reaction to cancer, treatment and remission. It's amazing how no matter what type of cancer you have, the survivors all face the same questions and fears. There's something universal to how we react after treatment is over. For me, that is the hardest part of living with cancer. I seem to be my strongest and most self-assured while undergoing treatment, I know the chemo is ridding the cancer from my body. I know I am cancer free at that moment in time, 100% sure. It's the daily living afterwards that is the hardest. The fear that every cough or cold could mean a relapse, not being monitored by your doctors every week, but now every few months, coming down off the adrenaline rush of being in survival mode throughout treatment. Reading his book only assured me that my feelings are completely normal. I highly recommend it, it's an easy and fast read and you come away with more respect for him not only as a cancer survivor but as an athlete, his ability to win all the Tour de France's he has won after cancer treatment. If he can come back from the brink of death and become an amazing cyclist, I can certainly beat this and live a full life as well.

Love,
B

Messy, messy make-up...

Need I say more?????

BUSTED!


Nice lipstick on the carpet!



So you think you're sneaky, eh?


I can't wait to bring this out when he's 17!


--B

I'm officially an Aunt!!

My SIL DeAnna had a baby boy this morning! Jhonen is as adorable as they come, and he was a complete angel during our visit with him and mommy. The kids were so excited to see a new baby, and of course they all wanted to hold him. Not just yet. :) DeeDee did an amazing job delivering him naturally and she and Chris are going to be such good parents.



Here are some pics from the visit:

Gabriel getting ready to hold this adorable baby

Proud Uncle Gabriel and Jhonen

The kids admiring their new cousin

Aunt Jackie holding Jhonen

Welcome to the world baby Jhonen, you are loved!

--B

Some photos from the hospital visit....

Note to self...When packing for the hospital, don't forget to take all the wires that connect your camera, mp3 player, etc...to your computer! Here are some pics from my first hospital stay during treatment #1:

Dad, me and mom


Adrienne and me


Adrienne and me fooling around with the masks


Gabriel w/his new 'do'...notice the bling bling on the ears??? :)

Lara, my fantabulous co-worker

Me and my "beary" good friends courtesy of one of our customers, Mariner Energy. Loved the cookies, as did the entire family!

Christi and me, she got me the GI Jane head cover!

And of course, we completely forgot to take pictures of my visit with Liz and Alison. I think we were all so busy talking and going through the bags and bags of hats, scarves, gifts, and all sorts of goodies that we didn't think of taking pics. We'll get it for sure next time!

I know the chemo is working. For the first time since April, I am not wheezing and my left lung that was totally collapsed a few weeks ago is now filling up with oxygen and I am able to breathe pain free. After Day 7, I seem to be feeling better and better with each day. My recent CBC was really good too. Of course, the wbcs were like at 3, but that was to be expected. Just don't get sick and I will be fine. lol. Next week is an off week, go in to give blood, get my picc bandage changed and then prepare for the 17th for treatment #2. It is going so much better than I had anticipated. I always prepare for the worst, and hope for the best.

Between the support from my colleagues, friends and family...I am getting through this.

Love,
B

Days 2-7...

Day 2 - Was the worst so far. I was pretty nauseaus all day, although we did end up walking the floors a bit.

Days 3-4 - Pretty uneventful. I was able to get off the oxygen Monday and went home Monday night. My lung showed signs of oxygen running through it....YAY!!

Days 5-7 - Finally getting some sleep! I was living off of sleeping every 2 hours in the hospital, not a place to catch up on rest that's for sure. Tuesday went back to MDACC to get my Neulasta shot to increase my white blood cell count. I must be one tough broad because I have yet to feel the side effects. The nurse was telling me I could wake up feeling like a truck ran over me....I was not looking forward to that. Nothing...nada...(knocking on wood). Today (Day 7) was the moment of truth. Today was the day my counts were to drop dramatically, I would be feeling the chemo side effects, all that good stuff and basically the reason I was to take all the meds they rxed. Well, woke up and I felt the slightest of queasiness and took my meds....which knocked me out just about all day. I wasn't going to toughen that out. So far, so good. I think my hair is actually growing back quicker than it is falling out. How ironic is that? My next treatment will be 8/17 and I am hoping it goes as well as this one did. My biggest complaint is fatigue and this damn picc line in my arm.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. The cards keep coming in and I am truly touched by your thoughfulness. Of course, the kids absolutely love the musical cards....they carry it with them all over the house. Nothing like a 7 year old singing "I Will Survive" to make you chuckle.

I am hanging in there and it's been bearable! I couldn't ask for more.

Love,
--B

Day 1...

Ok, I am midway through drug #3, one more bag left to go. I thought I wouldn't be up while I finished treatment, but I am just not able to go to sleep. I even took a sleeping pill and it's not helping. My mind is racing, I am sweating, it's an ice box in here and I want to sleep naked because I am so hot! Gotta love those drugs. So far, so good. Who knew you could take so many drugs on chemo. I had a pepcid, senocot, cough medicine with codeine and a sleeping pill. It appears I don't have to suffer too much going through this. :) I had lots of visitors today. My sister is supposed to bring my connectors tomorrow so I will post the pics. I had an old friend, Christi, come by as well as Liz and Alison. They were so sweet. They brought me at least 15 Crescent baseball hats (thanks to all the properties who donated!) as well as tons of scarves and bandanas. I also got this sweet basket from Bath and Body Works from the office. It has all sorts of cool products in the fresh cucumber scent. I love it, it's not too fruity and it has a real light and clean smell. The body butter cream is a must have! I am in love with that lotion. Another favorite is the mint shine...yummy!

People have been so kind to me, it makes you appreciate the human spirit even more and shows you who you want to be around when you are healthy.

So the treatment will go something like this. I will be doing chemo every other week, in between weeks will be giving blood. It will be 3 treatments and that should put us around a month and a half. At that point, I will have all my tests done again - PET, CT Scan and bone marrow biopsy. If my tests show the cancer to be gone, then we start the auto sct. I'm hoping to be healthy enough to enjoy Christmas this year.

That's all for day 1...pretty uneventful for now.

--B

My new 'do'....

Mom and I went to the beauty shop yesterday. Can you believe I told the lady to just trim my hair? lol. I got some nice knit hats and a couple of scarves. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I still have some peach fuzz, that feels weird. I'm sure the chemo will make it smooth in no time at all. I'm waiting to start treatment sometime this afternoon. They are still waiting on my biopsy report. After the beauty shop visit, we wanted to go to the gift shop and do a little retail therapy. Well, my nurse said no-way, jose! Apparently, due to my collapsed lung I am on bed rest with bathroom privileges only...she was nice enough to let me go down to shave my head but would not let me just go about and shop. Oh well, maybe after chemo. I finally got my IV out and it feels so nice to be able to bend my arm! I also got my pic line inserted, this is where they will take blood and also give me my chemo through.

Other than that, nothing else too exciting going on. I miss my babies. I haven't seen them all week and I am afraid to call them. I know I will be crying and I don't want to upset them. I'm hoping to see them Monday night or possibly Tuesday, when I get out of here.

I've been taking pics but forgot my connections to download them. duh! Will post them when I get home.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers!

Love you all,
B

My latest curve...

After a busy weekend preparing for the hospital stay, I ended up at MD Anderson's ER Monday night. Around lunchtime Monday, I began feeling uncomfortable in my back area. I didn't know if I was sitting at my desk wrong or if I was needing to lay down. When I couldn't sit or walk, I ended up leaving early and went home to rest, hoping that would do the trick. A few hours later, I was still incredibly sore across my back and couldn't take deep breaths without feeling this sharp pain in my chest. My mom insisted I go to the ER and she was right. My sister took me while she stayed with the kids, as Gabriel was still working. After some quick tests, they determined my entire left lung had collapsed. Up until then, I had a partially collapsed lung but I guess the tumor was just not letting enough oxygen flow in there. I was admitted into the hospital and haven't left since. I had my biopsy this morning and will start treatment Friday, for 4 days. I'm living off of pure O2 and morphine, so I can't say I am too miserable. :) Tomorrow, I will have my picc line inserted, this is a 2-4-1 as they get to take blood from it as well as administer my chemo through it. After that it's off to the barbershop to chop off the hair. I'll post pics tomorrow. Should be a fun day.

Gabriel was sweet enough to bring all my stuff, clothes, robe, mp3 player, camera and sis' laptop. I was having withdrawal symptoms after not being connected for 2 days. I can ditch the gown too, thank goodness! :)

--B

Faith, Hope, Love and Courage...

That basically sums up what I am clinging to throughout this process. I am feeling rather strong today. I've been reading so many success stories of people who are in remission years after having an auto sct. Those are truly inspirational for me and give me the light I need to get through this dark tunnel. My doctor had explained that the success rate of this procedure was 60%, but that was misleading since so many patients in the beginning were given the auto sct too early, there was still evidence of cancer and that's what led to the higher relapse numbers. She said now that they give the auto sct only when you are clear of cancer, that number should actually be a bit higher. Sounds good to me.

--B

It's a relapse....

CT scan results showed no sign of infection in lung but nodes were still enlarged. Biopsy is scheduled for next Wednesday to stage and confirm HD, then treatment will start as early as Friday. I am hoping to take part in a clinical trial chemo combo called VICE, then do the auto sct. Standard treatment is ICE + auto sct. I knew this was going on back in April, I just didn't want to address it. Gotta love your intuition. Since the chemo will make ALL my hair fall out, I am going to beat it to the punch and shave it next week. Good news was my bone marrow biopsy was clean and all my other areas were clean as well. Just those little pesky nodes around my lung. I forgot to add that my wheezing is caused by the nodes swelling around my upper left lobe and it's partially collapsed...go figure!

I told the kids earlier this evening. I didn't want to scare them when I came home with no hair! Of course, no one understood the reality of it except Olivia. It broke my heart seeing her crying and admitting to being scared for me. Surprisingly, I was strong for her and really believed it when I told her I would be ok. While falling asleep, Olivia whispers to me "Mommy, you will still be beautiful even if you are bald." How sweet was that???? I love her.

It's going to move pretty fast and I am wanting to post my journey on this blog. By writing this out, it really helps me from keeping it all inside. I plan on posting pics too of baldy here. That should be interesting. :)

I appreciate all the prayers and positive thoughts. I really do. They give me the strength I need to keep focused and determined to kick cancer's ass!!!

Love,
B

Mother Nature at her best....

The sky was playing tricks on us last night. Thought I'd post some pics I took.

Oh, I can't forget this either. One of Olivia's friends was jumping on the trampoline and saw me taking pics. He asks Olivia, "What's your mom doing?" and Olivia proudly and matter of factly answered "She's a photographer, she's taking pictures of the sky." I guess all those dreams I had are a reality in my daughter's eyes. It was a great moment.

--B

Possible relapse?

As many of you know, I was diagnosed with Stage 2A Hodgkin's Lymphoma January 2006. I underwent 4 cyles of ABVD chemo and 3 weeks of radiotherapy to my chest and neck area. This is standard treatment for Hodgkins. I had clean CT and PET scans last summer as well as last winter. I even had my port removed in December 2006. At my routine CT scan last month, something showed up abnormal. My lymph nodes around my lung area were enlarged as well as some type of infection in my lungs. I had battled that horrible cold/cough in Januray/February and also had really bad allergies in Spring. I thought my asthma was acting up due to treatment, but after consulting a pulmonologist, my lungs are fine and I don't have asthma. I was wheezing due to the enlarged lymph nodes. The prednisone and antibiotics seemed to have controlled it. I was even able to come off the neb treatments. After my CT scans came back, I went to have a PET scan. That lit up as well in the same areas around my lung. My doctors said if it was a relapse, they wouldn't be able to help me. So, off to MD Anderson.

I just had my initial appt. last Thursday. We were there from 11am to nearly 10pm! I didn't get a chance to see my doctor (who left due to a family emergency), but I did see her Nurse Practioner (NP) and another doctor within the Lymphoma Dept. The NP said it could easily be an infection, but if it was a relapse my treatment would be ICE chemo (bye bye hair!) and an auto stem cell transplant (SCT). I knew this already, since I've been doing all sorts of research online in case it is a relapse. The only way we will know is to do a biopsy. Tricky part is the location of these pesky nodes, they are behind my lung. So not cool. We're looking at doing the biospy within the next two weeks, they wanted me to cut the preds because they said it could interfere with the biopsy. I quit cold turkey. They wanted to wean me off over 10 days. LOL! I'm not that dependent on them. Surprisingly, I feel great without the preds and antibiotics. I think I was wheezing more taking them. Funny, eh? They were able to schedule my CT scans, but not until that evening. And since we live across town, we were not leaving this mini-city. I'm hoping the CT scans will show my nodes shrinking from my last test in June.

I returned Friday morning for a bone marrow aspiration and biopsy. After all the horror stories I've heard and seen (thanks "Grey's Anatomy") I was really apprehensive about this. Thankfully, these people are experts and only do these all day long. My tattoos hurt more than this procedure. I'm still a bit sore, but I can live with that. Not bad at all.

The next step is this Thursday. I am doing an echocardiogram to make sure my little ticker is doing fine. The "A" of ABVD treatment can do some damage to the heart. Then I give some blood and then see my regular doctor in the afternoon. I'm anxious to get this over with. I'm just ready to kick cancer's ass if it is back. I'll come out of it bald and (hopefully) thinner. I just know I'll make a beautiful bald, my gorgeous brown eyes will stand out even more. :)

I'll continue to post updates here. I think it's easier than writing emails. I can also post pictures of my journey, if there is one. I found these here http://www.cafepress.com/chucklenut/2619770 and thought they were awesome. If I am relapsing, I will be wearing several of them. lol.

--B