Scanxiety...

Scanxiety, n. [< scan + anxious.] Anxious prior to a scan (CAT, MRI, CT, etc.) for some kind of disease or malignancy.

I have my CT and PET scans tomorrow. If I weren't so irritated that they scheduled me for an 8:40 P.M. CT scan, I would be a little more anxious about the tests. I have my PET at 1:00 p.m. and then I get to wait around until 7:00 p.m. when I get to start drinking that lovely barium for the CT scan. I mean, it's not like I don't already know every inch of that hospital, every aisle of each gift shop. So, I think this will be the perfect time to catch up on some reading. We'll see. Oh, I forgot about the rest areas, I could catch up on some much needed sleep. I have a four hour break, hell I could possibly do both. lol!

I then see my stem cell doc Friday and if all is well (as it should be) I could be looking at a 3 month break from hospitals, poking, prodding and parking fees!! Crossing my fingers and toes that will be the case.

I do have a bit of a rant. I know I shouldn't be complaining, because I am so grateful to be home and relatively healthy. But this LTD process is not what I had expected. I was under the impression it would just roll over and I wouldn't have to do anything. My STD ended October 22nd and for over a month now I haven't received a check for LTD yet. It's close to Christmas and I don't know when I will be getting paid. With my luck, probably not until I return to work. Let's see, between my work bonus, LTD backpay, IRS tax return (wishful thinking!) and my full time regular paychecks coming in...February should be a very good month in our house! I wonder if we can postpone Christmas until then??? LOL! Seriously, if Gabriel wasn't working we would be in dire straits. And his job ends sometime in December, so we are really cutting it close. I'm going to see when I can go back to work Friday when I see the doc. I'm hoping she doesn't have any problem with me returning sooner than later. Anyway, we'll get through Christmas just fine, it was just a little rant regarding the darn insurance people and their red tape. I mean, I was just on STD and now it takes another 35-45 days to approve LTD...nothing's changed for me!! Ok, rant over....!

On a lighter note, a huge THANK YOU to all who have contributed to Amy's LLS Team in Training fundraising efforts. She's already collected 15% of her goal....GO AMY, GO! :) You guys rock and are really helping a wonderful cause. They provide so much to Leaukemia and Lymphoma patients.

Love to all,
B

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Ok, so I'm a little late but it was a very nice Thanksgiving weekend. We have so much to be thankful for....wonderful friends, family, generous co-workers and customers, strangers who seem to say the right thing at the right time, being cancer free right now...and the list could go on and on. I want to say a huge Thank You to our customer DataVox for our delicious Thanksgiving dinner. It was so nice to have a stress-free dinner at home and it was perfect. I was so touched that you thought of our family during this holiday. Thank you, again. My sister was the photographer, so once I get the pics from her I'll post them here. After dinner, I actually braved a store or two. Didn't buy anything, just scoping it out for Friday. :)

I was debating on whether or not to go out on Black Friday. I love the rush of doing it, even if I don't buy anything. And so I did. Now, I didn't get up at 3am or anything like that. I woke up at my normal time, 6:30, and headed out. Can you believe I even walked out of Target without buying anything! I missed the really good deals and wasn't going to buy anything that wasn't on sale. I did find some deals at some other stores, but it was more fun just going out and being surrounded by the crowds while the Christmas spirit filled the air.

We also worked on getting Olivia's room done. She was ready for her own room and she deserved it. Guess what she picked as her bedding? Of course, Hannah Montana. She even used her own money to decorate her room! We're still needing to hang her curtains and put some other decorations on the wall, but for the most part it's done and it looks so cozy! She spent practically the entire afternoon laying in bed, reading and finishing her 13 chapter book and listening to Christmas music on the radio. Can you say "Little Brandy"???? She is so adorable! :)

This has been a very busy weekend and it was one of my favorite Thanksgiving holidays ever. And even though Thanksgiving is over, I will continue to count my blessings and give thanks for all that I have.

With a grateful heart,
--B

Finally home!!!!

Ok, so I came home Monday afternoon. What a wonderful feeling it was leaving the hospital and walking into the arms of my two babies! I felt better than I had expected, so instead of staying with my dad for a week (the original plan) I decided to go straight home. I was just so homesick. It's been a rather quiet week, too. I had my doctor's appointment Tuesday, counts looked good so I had two days off and returned Friday. My platelets jumped from 42 to 172 in two days!! Because of that, I was able to remove my catheter Friday....no more wires hanging out of me!!! It was a very busy day Friday and I spent half my day at the hospital. But, the good news is I don't have to go back until Wednesday. And I was taken off two of my antibiotics, so that's only like 50 pills I have to take each day. j/k! I've been resting a lot, just taking lots of naps throughout the day and still tired by 9:00 p.m.! I have ventured out to some stores, of course I don't leave home without my mask. A couple of kids said "Look, mom! A nurse!!" It was pretty funny. At least it's better than scaring them. :)

I know I was spared from a lot of complications and I can only attribute that to having been blessed with a resilient body. I mean, look at my bones - it takes two people to break off a piece for my bone marrows!! :) I seem to have recovered quicker than normal too. My nurses were quite impressed with how well I've bounced back. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I keep waiting for the real suffering to begin, isn't that what I'm supposed to be going through? Don't get me wrong, I had a few bad days there but not nearly as bad as I was expecting or have heard others go through. I just can't seem to grasp the idea of getting off this easy and being cancer free. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself. I do have a high tolerance for pain. Maybe that's why it wasn't as bad as I was thinking it would be. I just tolerated it better than others? Anyway, I have my CT/PET scans the last week in November. I will try not to let the scanxiety get to me. I have to remember I was clean in September and I will be clean again.

My dear friend and Pi Phi sister, Amy Smith, is running in the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Team in Training Marathon in Nashville, TN in April 2008. She's running in my honor. I was so touched she would not only train intensely for this 26 mile marathon, but she would travel to a different state to run to help raise funds for the LLS and run in my honor. So, we need to make sure she reaches her fundraising goal of $3,400. This money is used by the LLS for all sorts of programs. I was amazed and grateful to learn that I could be reimbursed for mileage to and from the hospital, for my medical prescription co pays and for parking fees. These quickly add up when you are making numerous trips to the hospital on a weekly basis. Every penny counts when you are battling this disease and to get some reimbursement was a huge relief to our family. Here is the link, but I will also post it permanently on my page so it won't get lost in the archives.

Amy Smith's Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Team in Training web page:
http://www.active.com/donate/tntil/tntilASmith

I also wanted to say Thank You to everyone who supported my family while I was in the hospital. Liz, I will never be able to repay you for everything you have done for our family. To our customers and work colleagues, thank you so much for the dinners. Your generosity continues to amaze me. To everyone who sent cards, thank you. They mean so much to us and continue to give us strength and some much needed smiles! Cindy - Thank you for the stamps, they were very much needed!! I know we have been blessed to know each and every one of you. You have made this difficult journey more tolerable and definitely less stressful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

With much, much love,
Brandy

The gift of cancer...

How could cancer be a gift? Cancer has given me a second chance at how I am living my life. A second chance to tell my family and friends how grateful I am for them and that I love them. Cancer has given me overwhelming support, kindness, generosity and love. What's more surprising is who it came from. Those I thought were shoe-ins for support didn't quite follow through and those people I would never have expected anything more than a card really touched me with their generosity. You never know how people will react when you get sick, but after you do you see people's real heart. I don't hold any ill will towards those that didn't quite come through as I had expected, people react to illness in their own way. I'm just grateful to those that surprised me. What a wonderful life I have lived so far knowing how loved I am.

I recently heard this song the other day and it reminded me of how I feel about my entire experience with cancer. And yes, I consider the outpour of love and support to be the best thing that cancer gave me.

Angels Among Us
Written by: Becky Hobbs
Performed by: Alabama

I was walking home from school on a cold winter day.
Took a shortcut through the woods, and I lost my way.
It was getting late, and I was scared and alone.
But then a kind old man took my hand and led me home.
Mama couldnt see him, but he was standing there.
And I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayers.

Chorus
Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with a light of love.

When life held troubled times, and had me down on my knees.
Theres always been someone there to come along and comfort me.
A kind word from a stranger, to lend a helping hand.
A phone call from a friend, just to say I understand.
And aint it kind of funny that at the dark end of the road.
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope.

Chorus
Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with a light of love.

They wear so many faces, show up in the strangest places.
To guide us with their mercy, in our time of need.

Chorus
Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with a light of love.

Chorus
To guide us with a light of love.

I also wanted to share what one of our vendors sent me. Lisa B., with Initial Tropical Plants, sent me a lovely card of support and along with this card enclosed was a beautiful necklace and pendant with the following inscription:

What Cancer Cannot Do
Author Unknown

It cannot...

invade the soul
suppress memories
kill friendship
destroy peace
conquer the spirit
shatter hope
cripple love
corrode faith
steal eternal life
silence courage

I wear this with pride and it gives me the strength to continue living a life without fear and worry. Thank you, Lisa. And Jean B., I keep my pocket angel with me everywhere I go. I swear, I am surrounded by angels!!

Much love to all!!
Brandy

Day +11....going home soon!

Doctor's said I am going home Monday, Day +13!!!!!!! A few days ago I was bawling to my nurse after just having puked, asking when will all this stop. It felt like I was taking two steps back for every step forward and I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. She was awesome in reminding me that my white cell count was rising and that the only reason I got sick was from one of the big d meds I was given....not from chemo. I felt so much better after talking with her. I love the really good nurses, they can make all the difference in the world.

Fast forward to today and I am 100% better. White count is now in normal range, can you believe it went from 0.1, to 0.2, then jumped to 1.2 and then to 4.5?? That was yesterday, when I officially engrafted. Today, my wbc's were 7.2! Go white blood cells! Another important factor is that the big d has finally stopped, as of yesterday. whew, I thought it would never end. Plus, I've also been weaned off all the the IV's I've been on. I'm taking everything via pill form now and the only bag I'm hooked up to is fluids. Another good sign I am going home. And I am so ready to see my babies and be at home.

I can't believe I made it through this. There were times when I thought I couldn't or wouldn't be able to handle it, to get through it...but I did. And as much as I struggled through all the lows from the big d, painful stomach cramps, mouth sores, nausea, sickness, fevers, etc...I was spared from some other serious complications from this procedure. So, for that I am grateful.

I'm going to have a busy week of coming back to the hospital every morning for blood work, but that's ok because I will be able to walk out each day into the sun and into the arms of my loving family everyday.

Anxiously waiting until Monday,
--B

Day +7 and I'm still here...

a little weak and a little tired, but still here. I think the worst is over. It wasn't pretty. I was sick in all the ways you can think of. I didn't eat or drink anything for about 3 days, my lips were as a dry as the desert and my stomach was my worst enemy. The worst part of the entire process has to be the blood transfusions. I've had three so far, but because my counts are so low I get a fever after each one. The worst was Sunday. I had to have two transfusions and that night I thought I was dying. I had a 103 temp that didn't break until Monday morning. They wanted to give me another transfusion yesterday because my rbc's were 7.9 and the transfusion level is 8.0. I asked to wait since my levels were so close, at least give me a day to recover from the night before as I was up every hour in and out of sleep. Remember those old movies where the character is struggling with a high fever, in and out of sleep/consciousness, saying and dreaming weird stuff?? That's what it was like. I swear I thought I saw God. Maybe I did???

I started drinking again a couple of days ago (haha - that sounds funny!) and my appetite is coming back, slowly. My stomach is still not 100%, the big d has been a problem for nearly a week but at least these past two days I'm not cramping like I had been. Morphine had been my friend just because of the cramping. But then she quickly turned on me. I guess an empty stomach plus all the meds does not make a happy combo. So, I ended that friendship rather quickly. I'd rather suffer than puke. Of course, I was able to take some oral pain meds that helped a bit, but there's nothing like IV Morphine...instant gratification. I had my first bite to eat last night and boy do I regret that! I didn't even eat that much either, a half a yogurt, a few spoonfuls of soup and half a Boost milkshake. Big mistake. Let's just say I didn't sleep at all last night!

Today is another story. Immodium is my new friend these days. My docs suggested staying away from Boost and dairy since they are harder to digest. So, I had some rice with a bit of gravy. My appetite is back and I can taste my favorite foods, but after a few spoonfuls I am so full. How unfair is that? Well, I always thought I should at least lose weight if I had to get cancer. So, here it is. Did I mention how much weight I've lost so far? 20lbs. Of course, I gained like 10 of those pounds just from fluids here in the hospital. But I have a feeling I'm still going to lose even after I go home.

I finally got out and walked the floor! It's the first time in probably a week. My poor body, I could really feel it in my legs. I've been doing the lung exercises to keep my lungs up but my muscles have been ignored.

So, here I am. It was a very rough week and it's already a blur for me, all the days merging into one big fog. I'm just glad it's over with. My counts should start coming up any day now, so that means I might be out of here within the next week!!

--B

Day +1...Happy Halloween!

I had to succumb to the nausea meds, it just got too bad last night. Nothing else exciting to report. The doctors are saying maybe Day +10 to +12 when I can go home!! Trying to take it day by day for now. I started my neupogen shots again, trying to get my white cell count up and running again.

The kids are going to be celebrating Halloween at Grandma's and with Aunt Adrienne. Gabriel will be here with me at the hospital. It's 9 years today that we met. I'm so glad he'll be here tonight.

Until tomorrow!

--B

Day 0 - Happy Birthday to Me!

Got my stem cells this morning. They gave me some serious Benadryl and that knocked me out until about 1pm today. It was over within thirty minutes and I am officially done with treatment! Now comes the watch and wait for my numbers to bottom out and then climb back up.

I'd say my biggest struggle is drinking enough fluids. I'm just not that thirsty, plus they have me hooked up to some IV fluids.

I'm getting ready to take a walk. I just finished some lunch and am ready to stretch my legs.

Hugs to all!

--B

Day -1...and a pleasant surprise!

**edited to add**
The nurse just said I'm getting my cells TOMORROW!! Wow!! I'm not going to change my dates, yet again....today is Day -1 and tomorrow is Day 0. Overall, it's going to be a boring procedure, but it's my new Birthday and it means I am one day closer to going home. So, I am aiming for Day +10, that puts me at November 9th. Realistically, we're looking anywhere between Day +10 to Day +14. But, being the overachiever I am that's what I'm hoping for. woohoo!!
****************
I had to change my countdown dates, since I have a day off tomorrow and Day 0 is Wednesday today is actually Day -2. That's ok because I am officially DONE with chemo!! I hope I never see another chemo bag for a very, very long time!! It was just a thirty minute bag but I had my cheeks packed with ice for at least an hour and then I ate some chocolate ice cream. To say the least, I was freezing but I hope it keeps the mouth sores away. We'll find out a week from today, that's when the side effects should be hitting.

I haven't had any more big 'd' episodes, so that's been good. I think. I'm still eating some, just not as much as before. Soup is filling (gasp!), and I'm not that thirsty either. I have to work on getting more fluids in. I did exercise again today. I walked 4x (1 mile!) around this huge ass floor. I refuse to let this sct bring me down and will hopefully be able to walk a mile every day until I get out. I'm not going to lie, it's so hard walking around and seeing the beautiful sky and world outside these windows. I feel like a caged animal sometimes, but I try not to let it get me down too much. I mean, I still have almost 2 weeks left. But to just be able to go outside is something I am looking forward to.
(sigh...)

I got a nice surprise today. A visit from a dear friend, J.B. Thank you for visiting, it was a much needed lift for my spirit!

Off to order dinner and can't wait to watch tonight's Heroes!

--B

p.s. Michelle, thanks for the note! Of course I remember you and I am so touched you sent me a very uplifting message, it's just what I needed! xxoo, b

Day -3...

Well, the Big D hit today....and I was actually wishing it here after suffering through some serious constipation. I've decided I don't like either. ugh.

On a good note, I finally got to see Gabriel today! That was nice. He brought me some much needed clothes and photos of the kids. I'm going to plaster them all over my room. And I love having my quilts here, I get compliments on them all the time and it gives me a chance to talk to the nurses about my fabulous friends from school and work.

Ok, I took some immodium, am on my last bag of chemo, and am waiting for my pb&j sandwich. Off to watch the baseball game...sorry Mel about those Rockies, I am pulling for them!

--B

Day -4...

Another boring day, side effects wise. Nothing new to report. I woke up with a little tummy ache aka nausea but got some Zofran for my next chemo and it was gone.

They threw us a Halloween party this afternoon. I just got back from eating cupcakes, cookies, cheesey puffs, and fruit punch. Enough to make you throw up, lol! We were able to decorate our poles and also got to see some of the other sct patients on the floor. It was a lot of fun.

Tomorrow is my last day of this chemo combo, then Monday is Melphalan. Bring it on!

--B

Day -5...

Well, the effects are slowly starting. I'm not as hungry as I have been and my counts are slowly dropping. I'm also noticing some minor nausea, but nothing that is interfering with my daily activities. I was given the ok to go downstairs and wash some clothes. woohoo! :) So, I got my daily hour long exercise in and now I'm relaxing after eating some lunch. I also stopped by the cybercenter to pick up some videos.

Pretty boring, eh? My nurse told me the really bad effects will start coming around seven days after Melphalan. bleh. My mouth is starting to get little sores, as much as I'm rinsing I think I'm going to get some bad mouth sores. bleh, bleh.

Liz said the blood drive was a success! Thank you to everyone who donated on my behalf. You all are amazing!!

--B

Day -6...

Counting down to Day 0, that is when I get my stem cells back and when we start counting up to hopefully day +14, when I will get released.

So far, so good. That headache last night kept getting worse, so I asked for some meds and went to sleep. Another restful night....can you believe it? Chemo today has been good. Besides the hot flashes, nothing exciting to report. I am taking my mouthrinse every 30 minutes, I do not want nor need mouth sores right now. I haven't reacted to the new chemo, so that is promising. Oh and I found out the Melphalan is only a 30 minute bag! I told the nurse how could a bag so small cause so much havoc and he just laughed.

It's so beautiful outside right now, it's been clear and cool and I've been couped up inside. boo-hoo. I have a semi-decent view from my room. I did get the all clear to leave the floor after chemo is done. Hopefully the weather will be just as nice so me and 'poley' can enjoy it for a bit. But that won't be until November 1st, at the earliest.

I'm getting ready to don my gear - gloves and mask, so I can take a walk. Haven't done much but listen to music and watch movies on Netflix. I got a promo code for a 30 day free trial, perfect timing and I can watch movies on the laptop. Although, because of the hospital network's high usage it's best to watch early in the morning or late at night.

Today was my blood drive, Liz said it was going to be the best we have ever had. I'm anxious to hear how it turned out. And, Liz was kind enough to coordinate meals through the end of November for Gabriel and the kids. I have been blessed with a generous and gracious boss, co-workers, customers and friends!

Ok, off to walk the halls.

Until tomorrow...

--B

Day -7 and The squeaky wheel...

aka patient from hell really does get the grease. The stc floors are 11 and 12 here at the hospital. The lymphoma floor is 6. I've never been on the lymphoma floor while having treatment in the past due to the overcrowding issues here. This time around I figured we had to be on the sct floor because it was such an intense procedure. So when I got the call from admissions that my room was ready but it was on 12, I passed it up. 12 is reserved for the allo patients, people getting stem cells from donors. That is considered a protective environment floor and I didn't feel comfortable going there. A few hours later, admissions called again saying my room was ready. Since I had told them I was waiting for a room on 11, I assumed it was on 11. You know what they say about assuming. Come to find out I was assigned to floor 10. I had been on 10 before, as my second treatment was there. It's the melanoma and sarcoma floor. It's also the floor where I had my reaction to etoposide. I don't have good feelings about the floor. The rooms are smaller and there is no bed for visitors. So I am pretty upset that I didn't get on 11 after being told I would. Normally, I am so not the squeaky wheel but this time was different. We're talking about my life here. I told the nurses last night I would not be getting any treatments on that floor. And since I wasn't supposed to be starting chemo until today, I asked not to be disturbed during the night. I ended up getting some much needed sleep. Back to floor 10. I just didn't feel comfortable having nurses take care of me when they've never dealt with the chemo drugs I would be taking. I asked about side affects of the drugs and they didn't know. Also, one of the nurse assistants didn't even know I was there for a sct! I wasn't putting my life in their hands just because they didn't have a room for me. The sct floor deals with these drugs everyday and they know the common reactions and are ready with the right meds to treat you with asap. This is MD Anderson, come on! Last night my nurse ended up telling me all the beds were full and that there were 25 people ahead of me to get in on 11. Who knew so many were getting scts?? So today I didn't let up. Anyone that entered my room, whether it be nurses, nurse assistants or doctors, I asked how it was going finding me a room. I also called my sct doctor and left a vm to see if she could help me get to the floor fast. My goal was to get on 11 and I didn't care how much a pita I was. And you know what? It worked. I got a call from the doctor on call and he said we needed to start treatment today or I would go home. Apparently some sct patients were being delayed due to the bed shortage. So I said ok, I'll start on 10 but I wanted to be sure I was transferred at sometime...preferrably sooner than later. Good thing was that my chemo drug today was short, only a 2 hour bag. This was about 1pm today. At about 4pm I got a call saying I had a room on 11!! WOOHOO! Persistence pays off!

So now I'm settled in and feeling more comfortable knowing I am being cared for by the right team. I am already having some side affects from the chemo, a dull headache and hot flashes. In the past, I got a headache a few times and it came about two days after treatment. So it surprised me that it came so soon. The nurse said if I need any pain meds just let her know. I'm such a sucker for pain, though. Pain=Life. Right???

So, my schedule is like this. Tomorrow through Sunday (the 28th) I get two drugs 24 hrs a day, one of which is etoposide. I can't remember the other one but it starts with A. I'm doing BEAM, I got the B part today. A and E for four days and then ending it Monday with M, Melphalan. That is the nasty one I heard. I know I can tolerate etoposide, and I heard the A is easy as well. Then on the 7th day (the 31st!) is when I should get my stem cells put back in me...they say it's your new birthday = Happy Birthday to me! My life is always changing around Halloween. I met Gabriel on Halloween and we had Olivia around Halloween. How nice to have another life changing event to occur on that day as well. I wonder if we'll be getting any candy here that day? :)

I'm going to try to update this blog everyday. I want something to go back and read to see how it went and how I got through it. We'll see how it goes.

--B

So much harder than I thought it would be...

Nicholas just left for speech therapy on the bus and he was crying and pulling my shirt, asking if I would be home when he got back. Does he understand I won't? Can he comprehend that I will be gone for so long? My heart is breaking into a million pieces!!! I try so hard to be strong, for myself and for my family but right now I feel anything but strong. I feel scared, tired and sad. I still haven't packed for my trip. I'm just going to take a few things and then have Gabriel or my mom bring the rest in little increments. There's just too much to bring. How do you pack your life into suitcases?

I pray that these weeks go by so fast and that this will soon just be a bittersweet memory for me.

--B

One step closer...

I am so glad today is over with. After giving ten vials of blood, I was ready for my bone marrow. Well, they were running about an hour behind schedule (surprise, surprise) so I went for my echo first. That was a piece of cake. Ultrasound on my heart wasn't bad at all. It reminded me of being pregnant and seeing the little heartbeating on the screen. Well, mine wasn't so little but you get the picture. Then it was off to the bone marrow department...

So, after having two bone marrow biopsies now (both at MDACC) I can confidently say that there is a difference in who you get. I had a pretty good experience the first time around and I was expecting the same today. Boy was I wrong! My first clue should have been the tech's scrubs...he was wearing a top that said Methodist....ummm, hello...you are at MD Anderson now???? The next clue should have been when he didn't know how to silence the blood pressure machine. oh, great! That's when I started to feel a bit uneasy about his capabilities. There are two people in the room during the bone marrow procedure and I learned why today. Since MDACC is a learning center, the tech performing the biopsy is less experienced than the one supervising. So, when this 6 ft, 200 lb tech was unable to break off a piece of my hip bone I quietly and tearfully requested that the other tech try. Apparently, my hip bone was not willing to give up a part of itself. I knew I had strong bones from the first biopsy, but a short pregnant woman was able to do it and I thought for sure this dude would be able to. Not so. The more experienced tech happened to be a woman and after finding another spot that wasn't quite so sore, she (a whole foot shorter and thinner) was able to do what he couldn't in 5 minutes. Note to self: Next time make sure to demand the more experienced tech to perform the bone marrow biopsy. On the bright side, I don't think I have to worry about falling and breaking my hip bone in the future.

I see my doc at 11am to go over the test results and should be admitted later tomorrow night around 7pm. Let's hope the tests still are negative and that I don't have to do that ever again!

--B

SURPRISE!!

Since I will be in the hospital on Olivia's birthday (27th), we had a surprise party for her Saturday. One of her friends spilled the beans, so I had to work really hard aka mean mommy to be sure she was really surprised...and she was! Here are some pics from the party. We had fun playing games and eating lots of cake! All in all it was a great time. I still can't believe my 'baby' is 8. It seems like just yesterday that we brought her home from the hospital, this tiny 7lb beautiful baby girl and now here she is turning 8 going on 18! Time flies by and I plan on enjoying every minute of this wild ride.

The birthday girl finally arrives...Surprise!!!


Having fun and goofing off with friends...


Olivia and Taylor strike a pose...Maggie, Olivia and Taylor


Wearing one of her gifts and riding one of them!


Make a wish!!


Happy Birthday, baby!

Love Always,
Mommy

Tickling my heart and other ouches for today...

Ok, so today I went in to change out my huge catheter for a smaller one. Let me try to give you a visual of what is in me. The picc line in my arm was a 5f, then the catheter that went in my collarbone area was an 11F and now they replaced that with a 7f catheter. Don't ask me what the f stands for, I'm just trying to compare the size difference of the three catheters. The picc line was for the salvage chemo I did recently and the 11f was for the collection of the stem cells (they had to have a big catheter to allow enough blood to be collected at once). Now that collection is over, I get a smaller one for the remainder of my treatment.

The picc line insertion was a breeze, I didn't feel a thing and they only used a local anesthesia. The collarbone cvc was a lot more uncomfortable, to say the least. Apparently they had to dig a tunnel (their terminology) and go through my muscle to do it. Luckily, I not only had a local but also an anti-anxiety shot to help calm me down. Well, this time around there was only a local and I wished I had the anti-anxiety drug. You know you're in for it when the tech says "Let me know if I tickle your heart." Tickle my heart?!?! WTF does that mean and why are you doing it??? My catheter is on my right side, so I asked him (just to be sure) why he was so close to my heart which is located on my left side. Well, he said my heart is actually closer in the middle of my chest. We need to inform all the millions of little kids out there - YOU'RE PUTTING YOUR HAND IN THE WRONG SPOT WHEN YOU SAY THE PLEDGE!! lol. At first I didn't feel anything different and thought I would skip the heart tickle. No such luck. As soon as it happened I knew what he meant by tickling my heart. It felt like my heart was fluttering and skipping beats. It was really weird but thankfully only lasted a second, although it made me lightheaded. As soon as he finished and pulled out the ginormous catheter I felt this warm woosh of liquid run down my shoulder. I knew immediately what that was. After having four kids naturally, any woman knows what that is. Warm blood rushing out. bleh. So now I've got this size 11f hole and he's putting a size 7f catheter in it. No wonder he kept pressing on it when he was done. The hole will close up around the smaller line, now I just have to make sure it doesn't bleed too much until then. And they said this wasn't going to hurt. Liars!

I also got a call from the coordinator. I will be having to redo the bone marrow (boo!) and echo on Monday. I will then see my doctor Tuesday as well as be admitted. I'll probably start chemo Wednesday, she likes to wait until the next day. At least that's how it was last time. I'm shooting to get out November 15th or anytime sooner. And then around December 15th I can take this catheter out and feel normal again!

But for right now, we'll take it day by day.

--B

SCT - Part 2...

It's been a crazy week. My mom has been in the hospital since Monday night after having excrutiating stomach pains and bloody diarrhea. After much testing and worrying, it appears she has two benign tumors on her liver with the biggest one measuring 7cm. Her PET scan came back negative (thank God!) and she's going to be discharged sometime today. Her bleeding has stopped and she's feeling better with each day. She will be seeing a doctor at MD Anderson to see how they want to handle the tumors. For a minute there we thought we might be sharing rooms together. I am so relieved it's not cancer. I don't think I could have handled the sct and my mom's potential illness at the same time.

I'm back on track after having some time away from the hospital, well MD Anderson. I go in today to change out my catheter and then I'm supposed to see my doctor tomorrow. The coordinator said my bone marrow and echo tests were more than two months ago, so she was going to ask the doctor is she needed me retested. I am praying that I don't have to go through testing again. If I do, it will be Monday and then I will get admitted Tuesday for my 3 week (hopefully!) stay. I'm still waiting to hear back from them about the tests since nothing is scheduled yet.

So I finally have arrived for the sct. It's been a long three month journey and I am more anxious to get it over with than nervous about actually doing it. I'm just so ready to get on with my life post cancer. In January it will be two years of dealing with the hodge and I am ready to bury it for good!!

--B

Pumpkin Patch!

What a beautiful day it was today. Luckily, I was finished with everything at MDACC by 10:00 a.m., which meant I was able to enjoy the rest of the day mostly going here and there but we ended it by hitting a pumpkin patch at our local church. Can't wait to carve these suckers....

--B